Focus

you know when you think you've gotten things off your chest or that you've cleared your head of all thats bothering you? well...this morning was one of those days where everything came back to me. memories of bad things that have happened or reasons why something horrible could go wrong. lately i've been feeling guilty because i've been hiding things from my parents lately that they have the right to know. this is the one time i've ever kept anything from my mom...she's my best friend and i tell her EVERYTHING. i feel so bad keeping something from her thats so small. along with feeling guilty at times...i've been so overloaded with school, work, appointments, meetings, etc...it's not that i don't like being busy because i've always been productive and a hard worker...but am i taking on too much work at once? doing too much on a daily basis that it's to the point where i'm beyond stressed out? i don't know...

the al-non meetings aren't a problem and i enjoy them. those meetings have helped me realize a lot of things. i rarely ever lose focus on the important things and i feel like i'm slowly losing focus...even one of my professors asked me if everything was alright and of course i said yes i'm fine. even though i know she still is concerned about me...i'm gonna always say i'm fine because i don't want people to know or even bring it to my attention that there are problems at home.

coming back from the beach was not so good...coming home just didn't feel right. like i'm walking back into that negative energy that i can't stand. the only reason i'm staying in it is because of my sister and my mom. even my sister is fed up and that makes me feel a little better because i'm not the only one...i'm not the only one that is concerned or tired of the mess. even though we don't care to talk about it or hate that it's happening...it's pushing us to do something about it, bringing us closer, and making us stronger.

along with the regular drama...i came home to loads of work lol. i had to write a paper and finish a project on photoshop and illustrator...never complain about doing those though. i'm constantly working on photoshop and illustrator projects of my own in my spare time. you'll see some of my work soon...prepare yourselves

i was frustrated yesterday because i couldn't hang out with my best friend jaquelin whose in town for too little time...i can't wait until summer because she'll finally be back for a few months lol. it's hard not having her here to talk to...she hasn't left yet and i already miss her lol. i know i can talk to her whenever and on the phone...but in person is so much better. i just want her to finish school and come back for a while cause i miss my besty being here lol. i hadn't really explained my situation to her fully until recently...nobody knew anything about what goes on because i kept everything bottled up and to myself...it was a huge weight off my shoulders. having someone else to go to is always a good thing and helps me out a lot...

right now...i'm focusing on what's important to me and what really matters in my life. what is important to me? my family, friends, school, my own personal projects, and al-non meetings. everything else has been put on hold or anything that i've been doubting or second guessing is done and out of the picture. i don't need it. my main focus is myself...not them:)