so my aunt picked me up tonight and we went to eat at vivace!! so good...as we were eating she admitted to me that she's read my blog...mostly the ones about my dad and his situation. let me tell you...talking to her and family about this felt SOOO good. i haven't had anyone to reach out to or tell how i really feel about my dad. i almost started crying but i hate crying. like i told her, i'm a very sensative, fragile, and emotional person but i never like to show it. i hate showing weakness or that i need help. i've been so independent and figured things out on my own growing up so i hate coming off as a weak person. i'm like that though...i think i don't need help from anybody. most cases i don't...sometimes i might need some help.
ok so my dad has diabetes and so that means no sugar. yea that sucks...but if you wanna live and be healthy, don't eat sugar. ok so bourbon has sugar in it...lots and lots of sugar. so you shouldn't be drinking it because of the sugar and you shouldn't be drinking it to ease your pain either. dad, i know how bad your hurting and i wanna help. i also think i can do anything and i when i wanna do something, i wanna do it that second and get it done. i wanna help you get better, i want you to be happy, i want you to be the dad you've always wanted to be, i want you to be successful and have a job you love, i want you to keep a promise, and i want you to be able to be a good friend. i can't baby you anymore...and i'm so sick of you acting like everythings okay. because it's not okay...you're not okay. you're the worst you've ever been...i hate that you've lost all of your friends, i hate that i have a better relationship with your dad then you do, i hate that we've never been able to have a good healthy relationship, and i hate that you and mom can't go a day without getting into some stupid arguement. it's obvious that you both are unhappy and all you're doing is masking it with alcohal. i know the struggle...that's all my middle school and high school days consisited of...you two fighting and yelling at me. the only reason yall yelled at me was because i kept throwing parties and getting in trouble because i was MAD AT YOU BOTH! i was mad when you announced the seperation...so that was my way of being mad. nobody could stop me...
i get so uncomfortable when you hug me because i'm so disappointed in you...i'm angry that you say you love me and act like you love me more then anything but in reality you love the bottle of alcohal more then me...you're picking that over your family. think how that makes me feel...
think about what you used to be and the dad you used to be when i was younger...you were john b and everyone knew you and loved you. i'm not saying that people don't love you...but you were different then. now, you've lost your ways...you're going to hit rock bottom soon. you've already said you wish you weren't here. i know is one thing after another and i know times are rough but think about how strong i've been through all these years. not having money to go to the movies with friends, not having a lunch at school because mom couldn't get groceries, you not being able to find the right fit for a job, promising me all these things and breaking every single promise...you've never kept a promise. that's why i have a hard time trusting people...because the one male figure in my life and i thought i could look up to can't keep a simple promise to his daughter. i feel like everytime i'm happy and something goes my way...you're selfish enough to ruin it and yell at me about some stupid thing.
i haven't been happy for a long time and finally i've found someone that makes me happy. i don't even know whether to trust him either. i feel like he's gonna break a promise...or do me wrong. you've lied to me so many times i feel like i'm gonna think he's lying to me too. i know that you've lost a best friend because of his addiction too...but look at you, you're addicted too and he can't be around you. i know you and pop don't have a good relationship but it's because he went through the same thing your going through and he wants you to get help...but you're too stubborn to listen and get help. you can't keep thinking about the pain you've been through in past...you just can't let it go, you can't let things go in general. you have to move on...you have to stop looking at the past and live for today. you don't think i have any idea about why you are the way you are and why you're doing what you're doing...but i know everything. i'm so smart...and i know you've said from the looks of my report card i'm not trying hard enough...but i'm so smart. i know about you and everything you've done and what you're doing now. you're killing yourself and you tell me i'm being selfish?
and i'm sorry i didn't go to unc chapel hill and i wasn't in a sorority...i'm not conservative like you. i don't like following everyone else...and i do what i wanna do. if theres one thing you know about me...it's that. i'm sorry if i wanna get a tattoo or get a peircing in a place besides my ears, just let me be me. stop trying to tell me what to do and who to be, stop babying me and saying i shouldn't live in an apartment by myself, and stop telling me what to do with me money. don't get me wrong, i take you and mom's advice in to consideration and listen to you but i'm not a little girl anymore. i know it's hard for you to let go...especially mom, but let me go. i've been miss independent all my life and i'm not gonna stop.
you wonder why i don't tell you everything like i do mom...because i'm mad at you. it's not like you're putting me first anyways. you wanna make me think you are...but you're not. it kills me. i cried everyday for 3 months after you're first heart attack and i thought that was your wake up call...but it's like you wanna die. you're in such emotional pain that you don't care about yourself anymore...
honestly, i don't know who you are anymore and now i'm gonna cry...
"everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end."
No comments:
Post a Comment